Taking a deeper look beneath a child’s anger, problem or misbehavior
When a child or teen has a temper tantrum, is defiant and unwilling to compromise, or refuses to listen to reason, we, as parents and educators need to take a deeper look at what’s going on beneath the anger. We often overlook the child’s primary or real feelings, and focus instead on the behavior, which is secondary.
Let’s look at some of the “characters” we may find lurking behind or beneath the behavior. These characters are more like “false selves”, selves we take on as children and teens to protect our true self, that unique, loving, innocent child within that often gets lost when he or she become part of a society that is angry and fearful.
Typical characters or false selves we may encounter behind the misbehavior include:
- “ME! ME!,” the demanding child who wants his or her own way, control over others and power;
- “HELP! HELP!,” the fearful, needy child who’s usually both a victim and a manipulator. This child allows others to do everything for him or her.
- “LOOK AT ME!,” the attention seeking child who wants to be the best, first, and the one attracting the most attention;
- “IF ONLY!” the complaining, deficient child who wants more. Is seldom satisfied, and is often bored and disappointed in life.
All of these characters suffer from insecurity, a fear-based lack of self. They have a perception that they aren’t good enough and don’t know how to be happy.
In identifying these four basic characteristic types, we need to listen and look for clues so that we can understand our children better and, also, so that we refrain from reacting to the characters. When we see through the behavior of the false selves, we are more able to choose to refrain from reacting. Our focus needs to be on effectively acting (modeling) love and discipline, and maintaining our self-respect.
Here are some ideas:
- “ME! ME!” Saying “no” to a demanding child takes persistence, courage and a calm, non-angry demeanor. Be fair to the entire family unit, including What are your needs and wants? Be aware of how often (or not) the demanding child gives to others. Help the “taker” become a “giver” by providing opportunities to help and share in small rewarding ways.
- “HELP! HELP!” Parents who give in to a helpless child are, in essence, saying “I don’t think you can do it…you need me…where would you be without me?” Children have a difficult time bridging the gap between being the dependent, obedient, supportive child and being a responsible, independent, assertive, functioning adult. Instead of doing everything for the child, get small commitments, encourage self-decisions, give encouragement and positive reinforcement for each small step taken toward more self-confidence.
- “LOOK AT ME!” These children may be doing whatever they can to get attention. If they can’t be first or best, they might try being worst! These attention-getters want reassurance—lots of reassurance! Their insecurity may have started at the birth of a younger sibling, when they felt they were replaced because they weren’t good enough. One-on-one talks reassure these children they are loved and accepted for who they are, not for what they do or don’t do. They need positive attention, quality time and patient parents.
- “IF ONLY!” Children possessing this characteristic want you to entertain them. They are often whiners and complainers who feel disappointed with their life and don’t know how to make themselves happy. They are dependent on TV, video games, the phone, friends and parents for excitement. They have a life attitude that is lacking “joy”. These children need to discover how wonderful it feels to create or make something….or just BE! Take the family camping for a week without computer games, the phone and TV. Good luck! This is a hard one for our overindulged society. Teach your children a forgotten principle called “delayed gratification”. He or she will thank you someday.
Article written by Roberta Macdonald, for the Washington State PTA magazine: The Child Advocate, February 1996.