Steps for Building Community

Steps for Building Community

by | Oct 18, 2019 | Parent success, Parent Success, Relationships, Thoughts

 Creating a Caring Community for You and your child

Parents:  If you belong to a group, an organization, a business, a church or if you live in an apartment complex you may need to help your children adjust and adapt to a group setting. 

Here are 10 good ideas for you and your children:  

  • Start with a Smile: A smile changes our face.  It is a welcome gift we may not know we are giving to a friend or a stranger. Without our smile we may give the impression that we are mad at them or don’t like them.
  • Always be willing to make new friends: Old friends are wonderful but don’t be reluctant to add new friends. We can never have enough good friends and we may cheat ourselves and others by limiting ourselves.
  • Set Boundaries: We need to know that it is always good to set boundaries. Some of our boundaries may be:  No uninvited guests, No late night calls or texts, No negative people in our friend circle.
  • Help: Do you see anyone lost or new?  Help them out. It may only take a few minutes but it is remembered and appreciated when we are helpful.
  • I missed you: Has someone just returned from a trip, was sick, or in the hospital?  We need to tell them that you missed them. It is such a great feeling when we know that someone missed us.
  • Enjoy the Diversity: We are all different in so many ways. We are a mix of cultures and backgrounds. It is a wonderful adventure to be introduced to these differences and find the common threads we all have.
  • Share only the GOOD stuff: We may tend to gossip or pass rumors around in small communities.  The angels of our Higher nature would have us share only the good about the person and keep the not so good to ourselves.
  • Join in the dialogue: Listen and share. No monologues or long, sad stories from the past. It is fun to hear from everyone and great to share what we want to say. Be the one who, not only shares, but listens to others.
  • New Activities: We may be afraid to try something new. We need to be willing to risk learning how to play: ping pong, Pinochle, bowling, Chess, Cribbage, Uno, art, knitting, watch a game of football, baseball, or soccer.
  • Be ready to laugh: We need to be able to laugh at ourselves. It is good to be ready to laugh and have a good time whenever we can. We need to show that one of our main attributes is that we have a sense of humor and we enjoy connecting with others who share that attribute.

These are a few ways to build a caring community. So often today it is easier to put in the ear buds and get involved on our ever present phones.

I challenge you to step out of that phone ‘comfort zone’ and begin a conversation with someone new. Tell me in the comments below what your favorite way is to “Break the Ice”. Did you discover another person who was happy to chat with you?

A recent podcast episode on Hidden Brain with Shankar Vedantam dealt with the issue of loneliness for boys and men. I believe this extends to all of us especially when the phone distraction is involved.

https://www.npr.org/podcasts/510308/hidden-brain
Shankar Vedantam uses science and storytelling to reveal the unconscious patterns that drive human behavior, shape our choices and direct our relationships.

As always, email me with any questions.  Roberta@RobertaMacdonald.com
Would you like to tell me your story and get some additional help? 

Roberta

I will be hosting two courses on-line in the near future.
A Calming Down, Life Management Course and A Parenting course.
To make sure you don’t miss either of them – Sign up to receive my email updates.  Contact Me
Be among the first to learn of the opportunity! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do You Have a Controller in Your Life?

Do You Have a Controller in Your Life?

by | Oct 2, 2019 | Calming Down, Fear, Parent Success, Relationships, Thoughts

For over forty years I have helped teens and adults in relationship building. I have four truisms I’ve discovered over the years in my work that I want to share these with you today.

 Truism #1:  It takes around three years to really get to know someone. Some people may take decades.

For instance, you may marry the sweetest, most loving person and find that she or he is a controller and expects you to take a supportive role.  If you do, it works, or seems to work…for a while.

I know someone who recently said that she has allowed others to control her all of her life, and she has no idea what she wants or believes.
She is numb to her own feelings and has no idea how to be self-aware. She is 73 years old and, she has been a supporter to others all of her life.

Truism #2:  Control may have many different faces and may even be in the guise of subtle manipulation.

You may not recognize that you are being controlled or manipulated, yet if you don’t feel good about yourself and your relationship…that may give you a clue that control is happening.  Some examples of this could be:

“I just don’t understand why you went this way and not ….”

“Why did you say that?”

“I don’t know why you like to read before going to bed…I don’t.”

“Why didn’t you do what I suggested (told you to do)?”

Truism #3:  Control isn’t love no matter how many times the word is used or how many gifts are given.

Many times I hear: “But he loves me!”  Really?  How does he show it…or not show it? You need to go beyond his/her words and pay attention to actions.

Truism #4:  The controller expects and wants you to be more like him or her and wants you to change.

It is probably true what they say:  “opposites attract”.  What they don’t say is that they will spend the rest of their life trying to change the other person into whom they want.

I have someone very dear to me who has never been able to say no to his wife and who changed from a sweet, innocent young man into a bitter and resentful older man.  He is still with her.

Control, not love, and allowing the control are the culprits.  When you are the one being controlled, it’s often impossible to see that you are allowing the control to happen.

My main point in this post is:

I don’t believe we have a right to control anyone else in our world.

We also have a right not to be controlled.  Learning how not to step into the “controller trap” is an intricate dance and that will be another post.

Based on my four Truisms about control, I have three suggestions for both the younger and more mature generations. Hopefully, you won’t fall into as many “controller traps” as I did on my way to understanding these truisms.

Suggestions:

(1)   Be aware of the subtleties of controlling and manipulative people

(2)   Set good boundaries and teach others how to treat you

(3)   Be assertive—not aggressive or nonassertive….this may take a little work on your part.

Do watch out for those whose message is
“I want you to be the way I want you to be, AND I want you to accept me just the way I am.”

 

As always, email me with any questions.  Roberta@RobertaMacdonald.com
Do you have a controller in your life? Would you like to tell me your story and get some help? 

Roberta

I will be hosting two courses on-line in the near future. A Calming Down, Life Management Course and A Parenting course.
To make sure you don’t miss either of them – Sign up to receive my email updates.  Contact Me
Be among the first to learn of the opportunity! 

 

15 Tips on Fair Discipline

15 Tips on Fair Discipline

by | Aug 30, 2019 | Discipline, Parent Success, Parent success, Parenting Tips

Fair Discipline

Have you ever wondered how you might discipline your child without resorting to punishment?

There is a major difference between the effect that discipline and that of punishment have on a person no matter how big or small. Discipline provides a framework to train someone to behave favorably.
Punishment is used to inflict some pain for past behavior hoping to discourage such behavior in the future.  

I believe Discipline is the Kindest Gift You Can Give Your Child!

The following are 15 of my thoughts and tips to assist you in using fair discipline in your home with your children.

  1. Love and discipline go hand in hand.
  2. Love, without discipline can create a self-centered, demanding child who feels entitled to get what he or she wants.
  3. A child, or adult, who is treated in a respectful manner will be more apt to show respect. Begin this “training” at the earliest age.
  4. Children who don’t feel loved resent discipline. 
  5. Discipline, without love, creates deep resentment in the child because all he or she really wants is love.
  6. Fair discipline is a benefit rather than a punishment for your  child.
  7. When you use discipline on your child, do not be angry.
  8. Be firm and clear in your message to your child. When you use an assertive, respectful, non-angry tone and manner you will get more respect from your child.
  9.  Practice, along with consistency and assertiveness will show positive results.
  10. Children want their parents to discipline them: set boundaries, be fair, and tell the truth.  The child may not know or admit they want this.
  11. Parents who don’t discipline create a chaotic family situation.
  12. In order to get your child to mind you, use good judgment rather than stronger punishment.
  13. From a very early age be aware if you are coddling, acquiescing, or overprotecting. 
  14. You may think you are giving the child love. 
  15. It is not fair to the child if he or she has power over others.  They don’t know how to use it or control it.

Please join the Parent Success Facebook group and share your thoughts, ideas, and questions. Do you agree with all of these tips? Would you like me to say more about any of them? Perhaps you
have a story you would like to share. I hope to see you in the group.

Love,
Roberta

I will be hosting an on-line parenting course in the near future. To make sure you don’t miss it – Sign up to receive my email updates.  Contact Me

As always, email me with any questions.  Roberta@RobertaMacdonald.com

My Class:
CalmingDown –  A Daily Life Management Course
This course is a guided group discussion on how to gain a better understanding of the causes of anger and how to develop a less reactive, stressful way of life.

My Book:
Parent Success: 99 Ways to Make It Happen, was written and used in many parent classes in the greater Seattle area for over 30 years. Roberta wrote the Parent Success book
so that parents who are burdened with many parenting challenges and unexpected stressors will have a simple daily guide.

Get your copy through Amazon by clicking this link  Parent Success: 99 Ways to Make It Happen

16 Parent Tips on Fear

16 Parent Tips on Fear

by | Aug 19, 2019 | Fear, Parent Success, Parenting Tips

16 Parenting Tips on Fear

A Fearful Parent….A Fearful Child!

Your home needs to be a safe place for your children,
who may view the world as a fearful place.

It is my firm belief that fear is the opposite of love. The sixteen Parenting Tips on Fear below are intended for you to first notice where fear may be showing up in the life of your child. Second, once noticed, you can begin taking action to reduce the amount of fear your child experiences in their daily lives.

  1. A parent may model a fearful attitude toward life which is picked up by the child. The parent may be overly fearful because of past traumas.  As a therapist, I have seen children who were overly fearful and, on meeting the parents, saw how the unintentional modeling affected the children.  Fear, then, becomes a family issue.
  2. If there is a lot of anger, resentment or depression, and other dysfunctional issues in the family, unresolved fears from the past could be the reason for these issues.
  3. Underneath upset is:  anger, jealousy, resentment, revenge, deep disappointment and/or depression. Fear is underlying these emotions.  Fear is underneath the upset and causing the negative behavior.
  4. Fear of the unknown, fear of not being in control or being controlled, fear of change, fear of criticism, and fear of being vulnerable or weak are some of the underlying fears.
  5. Fear may cause the child to act out with bad behavior. Parents need to find out what is causing the fear. After discovering what is causing the fear, it may take many positive discussions to help your child let go of the fear.  If the fear was caused by a trauma, a good therapist may need to assist with the deeper fear issue.
  6. Your child fears what he or she does not understand. A small child needs to be reassured and patiently taught to let go of unrealistic fears, such as a monster under his or her bed. Your child needs to trust in the adults who have his or her best interest in mind.
  7. A child needs to understand that he or she is not alone and can reach out for help when needed. Without these reassurances and explanations fear can cause a child to conjure up and magnify a small worry or fear, creating a scary scenario in his or her mind.
  8. Is having a fearful or protective attitude wrong? It isn’t wrong but if you feel that your world is a fearful one, every thought or decision (or having no decision, no plan) will be colored by this fear.  It is a negative stance in a mostly negative world.
  9. The child needs to have encouragement and positive role models. A child can’t have too many positive role models.
  10. Parents can protect their child without voicing their fears or pointing out what could go wrong. It is good to be cautious and realistic.  However, being overly cautious and fearful can cripple the child’s dreams, ambitions, interests and motivation in creating his or her own life.
  11. What if the child has low self-esteem and is afraid to try anything new because of being fearful? It may take patient work but building your child’s self-esteem will help him or her be stronger and less fearful of rejection and ridicule.
  12. Help your child to recognize that he or she has inner strengths, personal power, and courage.  Help your child find small successful ways to tap into their skills and talents.  Often the child does not believe he can do something and chooses not even to try.
  13. If you are an encouraging parent you will help the child be successful in small ways so that larger steps can be taken later.
  14. Your child may be fearful that something will happen to his or her parents. He or she may be dwelling on the fear of death of the parents, or their own death. If this is the case, be careful what you say because kids often think literally.  Listen and reassure them.
  15. My mother was afraid of deep water and would say when we would go swimming in the public swimming pool: “Don’t drown”. Those words have been with me all these years and it  affected me.  As an adult I have always stayed in the safe end of the pool, never venturing into the deep water.  I made sure not to voice my fear of deep water around my children and they don’t have my fear.
  16. As protective parents, we always want our child to be safe when they enter the outside world that is often filled with difficult, dangerous and uncertain events and activities. Your home needs to be a safe haven for your children when they return every day. However, for those children who may view the world as fearful, they may stay longer in their home than is healthy for their well-being and development.  They may not want to leave for fear of the outside world.

Activity:
Choose up to 5 of these tips to focus on this week. Consider journaling your thoughts and feelings. Let me know how you are doing. Let me know your thoughts in the Parent Success Facebook Group.

I will be hosting an on-line parenting course in the near future. To make sure you don’t miss it – Sign up to receive my email updates.  Contact Me

As always, email me with any questions.  Roberta@RobertaMacdonald.com

To Your Parenting Success
Roberta

Would you like these 16 tips in a downloadable pdf? Click here:  Download 16 Parenting Tips on Fear

Up Coming Class:
Calming Down –  A Daily Life Management Course
This course is a guided group discussion on how to gain a better understanding of the causes of anger and how to develop a less reactive, stressful way of life.

My Book: Parent Success: 99 Ways to Make It Happen, was written and used in many parent classes in the greater Seattle area for over 30 years. Roberta wrote the Parent Success book so that parents who are burdened with many parenting challenges and unexpected stressors will have a simple daily guide.

Get your copy through Amazon by clicking this link  Parent Success: 99 Ways to Make It Happen

Parent Tips – Manners

Parent Tips – Manners

by | Aug 15, 2019 | Manners, Parent Success, Parenting Tips

5 Parenting Tips on Manners

Let’s Bring Manners Back!

Whatever happened to manners?
Somewhere along the line, manners got shoved aside, and now we’re paying for it.

Depending on the age of your child, instilling manners may be easier said than done. For young children, they easily learn by example. For older children they may already have a few “bad habits”. I will take a different motivation to have them implement a change in their behavior.

Take a look at these five parenting tips on manners and notice if there are any changes you can make in your life and theirs to bring manners back!

  1. Manners used to be important…what happened?
  • Anyone can act in a disrespectful way
  • Many children, teens, and adults were never modeled manners
  • Often disrespect was part of their upbringing
  • It is such a loving gift to teach manners, which is love and respect
  1. Why are manners important to teach?
  • Manners show that each person, no matter their age, is important
  • When manners are not learned, all relationships are affected.
  • When manners are not learned, misunderstanding happens.
  • Unhappy and dysfunctional relationships are the results of not learning manners.
  • Lack of manners can create wars.
  • Manners = Respect
  1. Little puppies go to “manners school”. Why shouldn’t little kids go to “manners school”?
  • When a child has not been taught how to be appropriate in life, it is similar to a young dog who, in his exuberance for his new life, behaves badly. The puppy is not bad, but training is necessary for both.
  • An untrained puppy, as well as an untrained child, can be a real nuisance
  • It is unfortunate if parents are not aware of the importance of early training. The child is being cheated of good training.
  1. How early should parents begin teaching manners?
  • Model good manners at the birth of your first child and continue being a good model.
  • Showing respect will teach respect.
  • You cannot fool a child as he or she knows when an adult is showing respect, or not, as they can feel, see and hear the difference.
  1. Can we be too busy or indifferent to say “please” and “thank you”?
  • Be consistent in being a good role model to your children.
  • Teach your young children to respond with “please” and “thank you”.
  • Your child will thank you later as it is a positive habit that will serve then well as an adult.
  • When a child is resentful and does not show respect and thanks when a gift is given, the gift should be denied.
  • A child who acts with disrespect may not fully understand the consequences of his or her behavior.
  • The child will learn later in life that his or her behavior has unhappy consequences.
  • It is a delight to be around a child (and a puppy) with good manners.

Activity:
Choose several of these tips to focus on this week. Consider journaling your thoughts and feelings. Let me know how you are doing as you implement the changes.

I will be hosting an on-line parenting course in the near future. To make sure you don’t miss it – Sign up to receive my email updates.  Contact Me

As always, email me with any questions.  Roberta@RobertaMacdonald.com

To Your Parenting Success
Roberta

Class:
Calming Down –  A Daily Life Management Course
This course is a guided group discussion on how to gain a better understanding of the causes of anger and how to develop a less reactive, stressful way of life.

My Book: Parent Success: 99 Ways to Make It Happen, was written and used in many parent classes in the greater Seattle area for over 30 years. Roberta wrote the Parent Success book so that parents who are burdened with many parenting challenges and unexpected stressors will have a simple daily guide.

Get your copy through Amazon by clicking this link  Parent Success: 99 Ways to Make It Happen

Parent Tips – Divorce

Parent Tips – Divorce

by | Aug 12, 2019 | Parent Success, Parenting Tips

4 Tips to Help your Child Adjust to Divorce  

Can divorce have a negative effect on my child later in his or her life?

There’s no doubt that a divorce can be a strain on every member of the family. Sometimes it’s tough to look on the bright side and see that it can be the best choice for future happiness.

Children are usually hit the hardest by the divorce. If they’re young, they may not be able to fully grasp the subject. Also, no matter what age they are, their first instinct is generally to blame themselves. The helpful news is that you can do a lot to get your child through this tough time.

4 tips to Help Your Child Adjust to Divorce

  1. If divorce is not discussed with the child, it will be very confusing for him or her. Unanswered questions over the years often have damaging results.
  2. There may be much confusion in the child’s mind when there is abrupt change of schedules and the absence of a parent. If the broken marriage was completely shielded from the child and the marriage seemed happy from the child’s perspective, it adds to the confusion. It will be much harder for the child to understand.
  3. However difficult it may be to explain divorce to the child, it needs to happen as some explanation is better than having a confusing void in the child’s mind. Inappropriate details that are adult in nature can be left until later when the child is older.
  4. Divorce that is not handled in the right manner results in a trauma that can leave lifelong scars.

Like most of us, you have more questions and the problems you are facing do not always have simple solutions. Divorce has a huge impact on everyone involved no matter how careful you may be.

Get more of my personal tips on how to help your children with divorce with this free download.  Parent Tips: Divorce

I answer questions such as:

  1. Should we make a child choose between their mother and father?
  2. Is it possible to have a divorce where everybody “wins”?
  3. What if either of us remarries and the child feels unwanted?
  4. How can I show my child they are still important?

Once you have read through the tips, please leave a comment in this Facebook group. Let us know, have you tried these tips? What strategies have you used that worked well for you? What have you tried that really did not work?

Divorce can certainly throw off your life’s expectations, but it doesn’t have to affect how you raise your children. Remember their needs, too, and you’ll both persevere through this trying time.

If you would like additional information, let me know. I will respond to you personally.

Roberta
Roberta@RobertaMacdonald.com

My Book: Parent Success: 99 Ways to Make It Happen, was written and used in many parent classes in the greater Seattle area for over 30 years. Roberta wrote the Parent Success book so that parents who are burdened with many parenting challenges and unexpected stressors will have a simple daily guide.

Get your copy through Amazon by clicking this link  Parent Success: 99 Ways to Make It Happen

Save Our Words!

Save Our Words!

by | Sep 16, 2019 | ,

I’m addicted.  I am addicted to words. Words need to be true and convey meaning.  I believe we should expand these words into good sentences, paragraphs and books. We need to keep adding to our words so that our vocabularies continue to grow. My concern is:  I believe...

Use Your Words

Use Your Words

by | Sep 10, 2019 | ,

Use Your Words Parents:  Encourage your young children to "Use your words"! A very young child who can’t talk babbles. The child is trying to talk. It is my firm belief we need to talk back with real, understandable words. We may not know how much they comprehend yet...

16 Parent Tips on Fear

16 Parent Tips on Fear

by | Aug 19, 2019 | , ,

16 Parenting Tips on Fear A Fearful Parent….A Fearful Child! Your home needs to be a safe place for your children, who may view the world as a fearful place. It is my firm belief that fear is the opposite of love. The sixteen Parenting Tips on Fear below are intended...

Parent Tips – Manners

Parent Tips – Manners

by | Aug 15, 2019 | , ,

5 Parenting Tips on Manners Let’s Bring Manners Back! Whatever happened to manners? Somewhere along the line, manners got shoved aside, and now we’re paying for it. Depending on the age of your child, instilling manners may be easier said than done. For young...

Parent Tips – Divorce

Parent Tips – Divorce

by | Aug 12, 2019 | ,

4 Tips to Help your Child Adjust to Divorce   Can divorce have a negative effect on my child later in his or her life? There's no doubt that a divorce can be a strain on every member of the family. Sometimes it's tough to look on the bright side and see that it can be...

Calming Down Explained

Calming Down Explained

by | Nov 12, 2018 |

Michelle Obama recently had her book published, titled: “Becoming”.  Several decades ago I wrote my Calming Down book for my class I was teaching at Highline Community College and the first section of the four sections is titled “Becoming”. I feel validated.  Thank...