Steps for Building Community

Steps for Building Community

by | Oct 18, 2019 | Parent success, Parent Success, Relationships, Thoughts

 Creating a Caring Community for You and your child

Parents:  If you belong to a group, an organization, a business, a church or if you live in an apartment complex you may need to help your children adjust and adapt to a group setting. 

Here are 10 good ideas for you and your children:  

  • Start with a Smile: A smile changes our face.  It is a welcome gift we may not know we are giving to a friend or a stranger. Without our smile we may give the impression that we are mad at them or don’t like them.
  • Always be willing to make new friends: Old friends are wonderful but don’t be reluctant to add new friends. We can never have enough good friends and we may cheat ourselves and others by limiting ourselves.
  • Set Boundaries: We need to know that it is always good to set boundaries. Some of our boundaries may be:  No uninvited guests, No late night calls or texts, No negative people in our friend circle.
  • Help: Do you see anyone lost or new?  Help them out. It may only take a few minutes but it is remembered and appreciated when we are helpful.
  • I missed you: Has someone just returned from a trip, was sick, or in the hospital?  We need to tell them that you missed them. It is such a great feeling when we know that someone missed us.
  • Enjoy the Diversity: We are all different in so many ways. We are a mix of cultures and backgrounds. It is a wonderful adventure to be introduced to these differences and find the common threads we all have.
  • Share only the GOOD stuff: We may tend to gossip or pass rumors around in small communities.  The angels of our Higher nature would have us share only the good about the person and keep the not so good to ourselves.
  • Join in the dialogue: Listen and share. No monologues or long, sad stories from the past. It is fun to hear from everyone and great to share what we want to say. Be the one who, not only shares, but listens to others.
  • New Activities: We may be afraid to try something new. We need to be willing to risk learning how to play: ping pong, Pinochle, bowling, Chess, Cribbage, Uno, art, knitting, watch a game of football, baseball, or soccer.
  • Be ready to laugh: We need to be able to laugh at ourselves. It is good to be ready to laugh and have a good time whenever we can. We need to show that one of our main attributes is that we have a sense of humor and we enjoy connecting with others who share that attribute.

These are a few ways to build a caring community. So often today it is easier to put in the ear buds and get involved on our ever present phones.

I challenge you to step out of that phone ‘comfort zone’ and begin a conversation with someone new. Tell me in the comments below what your favorite way is to “Break the Ice”. Did you discover another person who was happy to chat with you?

A recent podcast episode on Hidden Brain with Shankar Vedantam dealt with the issue of loneliness for boys and men. I believe this extends to all of us especially when the phone distraction is involved.

https://www.npr.org/podcasts/510308/hidden-brain
Shankar Vedantam uses science and storytelling to reveal the unconscious patterns that drive human behavior, shape our choices and direct our relationships.

As always, email me with any questions.  Roberta@RobertaMacdonald.com
Would you like to tell me your story and get some additional help? 

Roberta

I will be hosting two courses on-line in the near future.
A Calming Down, Life Management Course and A Parenting course.
To make sure you don’t miss either of them – Sign up to receive my email updates.  Contact Me
Be among the first to learn of the opportunity! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do You Have a Controller in Your Life?

Do You Have a Controller in Your Life?

by | Oct 2, 2019 | Calming Down, Fear, Parent Success, Relationships, Thoughts

For over forty years I have helped teens and adults in relationship building. I have four truisms I’ve discovered over the years in my work that I want to share these with you today.

 Truism #1:  It takes around three years to really get to know someone. Some people may take decades.

For instance, you may marry the sweetest, most loving person and find that she or he is a controller and expects you to take a supportive role.  If you do, it works, or seems to work…for a while.

I know someone who recently said that she has allowed others to control her all of her life, and she has no idea what she wants or believes.
She is numb to her own feelings and has no idea how to be self-aware. She is 73 years old and, she has been a supporter to others all of her life.

Truism #2:  Control may have many different faces and may even be in the guise of subtle manipulation.

You may not recognize that you are being controlled or manipulated, yet if you don’t feel good about yourself and your relationship…that may give you a clue that control is happening.  Some examples of this could be:

“I just don’t understand why you went this way and not ….”

“Why did you say that?”

“I don’t know why you like to read before going to bed…I don’t.”

“Why didn’t you do what I suggested (told you to do)?”

Truism #3:  Control isn’t love no matter how many times the word is used or how many gifts are given.

Many times I hear: “But he loves me!”  Really?  How does he show it…or not show it? You need to go beyond his/her words and pay attention to actions.

Truism #4:  The controller expects and wants you to be more like him or her and wants you to change.

It is probably true what they say:  “opposites attract”.  What they don’t say is that they will spend the rest of their life trying to change the other person into whom they want.

I have someone very dear to me who has never been able to say no to his wife and who changed from a sweet, innocent young man into a bitter and resentful older man.  He is still with her.

Control, not love, and allowing the control are the culprits.  When you are the one being controlled, it’s often impossible to see that you are allowing the control to happen.

My main point in this post is:

I don’t believe we have a right to control anyone else in our world.

We also have a right not to be controlled.  Learning how not to step into the “controller trap” is an intricate dance and that will be another post.

Based on my four Truisms about control, I have three suggestions for both the younger and more mature generations. Hopefully, you won’t fall into as many “controller traps” as I did on my way to understanding these truisms.

Suggestions:

(1)   Be aware of the subtleties of controlling and manipulative people

(2)   Set good boundaries and teach others how to treat you

(3)   Be assertive—not aggressive or nonassertive….this may take a little work on your part.

Do watch out for those whose message is
“I want you to be the way I want you to be, AND I want you to accept me just the way I am.”

 

As always, email me with any questions.  Roberta@RobertaMacdonald.com
Do you have a controller in your life? Would you like to tell me your story and get some help? 

Roberta

I will be hosting two courses on-line in the near future. A Calming Down, Life Management Course and A Parenting course.
To make sure you don’t miss either of them – Sign up to receive my email updates.  Contact Me
Be among the first to learn of the opportunity!