Do You Have a Controller in Your Life?

Do You Have a Controller in Your Life?

by | Oct 2, 2019 | Calming Down, Fear, Parent Success, Relationships, Thoughts

For over forty years I have helped teens and adults in relationship building. I have four truisms I’ve discovered over the years in my work that I want to share these with you today.

 Truism #1:  It takes around three years to really get to know someone. Some people may take decades.

For instance, you may marry the sweetest, most loving person and find that she or he is a controller and expects you to take a supportive role.  If you do, it works, or seems to work…for a while.

I know someone who recently said that she has allowed others to control her all of her life, and she has no idea what she wants or believes.
She is numb to her own feelings and has no idea how to be self-aware. She is 73 years old and, she has been a supporter to others all of her life.

Truism #2:  Control may have many different faces and may even be in the guise of subtle manipulation.

You may not recognize that you are being controlled or manipulated, yet if you don’t feel good about yourself and your relationship…that may give you a clue that control is happening.  Some examples of this could be:

“I just don’t understand why you went this way and not ….”

“Why did you say that?”

“I don’t know why you like to read before going to bed…I don’t.”

“Why didn’t you do what I suggested (told you to do)?”

Truism #3:  Control isn’t love no matter how many times the word is used or how many gifts are given.

Many times I hear: “But he loves me!”  Really?  How does he show it…or not show it? You need to go beyond his/her words and pay attention to actions.

Truism #4:  The controller expects and wants you to be more like him or her and wants you to change.

It is probably true what they say:  “opposites attract”.  What they don’t say is that they will spend the rest of their life trying to change the other person into whom they want.

I have someone very dear to me who has never been able to say no to his wife and who changed from a sweet, innocent young man into a bitter and resentful older man.  He is still with her.

Control, not love, and allowing the control are the culprits.  When you are the one being controlled, it’s often impossible to see that you are allowing the control to happen.

My main point in this post is:

I don’t believe we have a right to control anyone else in our world.

We also have a right not to be controlled.  Learning how not to step into the “controller trap” is an intricate dance and that will be another post.

Based on my four Truisms about control, I have three suggestions for both the younger and more mature generations. Hopefully, you won’t fall into as many “controller traps” as I did on my way to understanding these truisms.

Suggestions:

(1)   Be aware of the subtleties of controlling and manipulative people

(2)   Set good boundaries and teach others how to treat you

(3)   Be assertive—not aggressive or nonassertive….this may take a little work on your part.

Do watch out for those whose message is
“I want you to be the way I want you to be, AND I want you to accept me just the way I am.”

 

As always, email me with any questions.  Roberta@RobertaMacdonald.com
Do you have a controller in your life? Would you like to tell me your story and get some help? 

Roberta

I will be hosting two courses on-line in the near future. A Calming Down, Life Management Course and A Parenting course.
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Calming Down Explained

Calming Down Explained

by | Nov 12, 2018 | Calming Down

Michelle Obama recently had her book published, titled: “Becoming”.  Several decades ago I wrote my Calming Down book for my class I was teaching at Highline Community College and the first section of the four sections is titled “Becoming”. I feel validated.  Thank you, Michelle. I am often asked to explain Calming Down:  A Daily Self-Management Course. I find it very challenging to explain the course because the dynamics are different from quarter to quarter due to new students.  The format is the same and the book, always being updated, is the same.  The interaction in the class is of utmost importance and so much happens in the four three hour sessions!  At the end of the course, the students relate that they learn so much from each other and enjoy the guided discussions using the book for tips, ideas, and inspiration. I created the class in 1987 and have taught it every quarter since at Highline College and now at Bellevue College and I am grateful for the continued interest. I feel that one of my strengths as facilitator is my many experiences I have had with many people for several decades.  I believe that the classes need to be a safe, comfortable, nonjudgmental environment. I am committed to being nonjudgmental, to listen to each student and to encouraging each student to share. Here are some brief summaries of the four sessions: (1) Becoming: This section focuses on how we became who we are and what we want to be, to do, and to have in life. What we focus on in life determines, to a great extent, what will happen to us and to those around us.  This section has twelve pages, three are homework pages. (2) Changing:  This section focuses on changing what we want and need to change once you have a clear idea of what you would like to change and the kind of changes that needs to happen.  We can never change another person but we can change ourselves and the way we engage with another person.  Our changed behavior can be a catalyst to another person changing. This section has nine pages, two pages are homework. (3) Intending:  This section focuses on the action you need to have in order to make your life less stressful, angry or anxious and more responsible by responding more and reacting less to life’s conflicts.  Intention is a strong word—much stronger than an affirmation, wish or desire. This section has eleven pages and three homework pages. (4) Committing:  The fourth and final section is the final part in the learning process of this course.  A student-in-life may spend his/her entire lifetime obtaining knowledge but without committing the knowledge into action, it is of no real value in our world.  The section has eleven pages. I hope this helps to explain my Calming Down class, Roberta
Thoughts

Thoughts

by | Nov 1, 2018 | Calming Down

 

  • Each day prepares me for the next day.
  • If it doesn’t come from your heart….it doesn’t count.
  • No one can find love alone.
  • An “uplift” is the opposite of a “putdown”.
  • Worrying is using your imagination to create something you don’t want.
  • Happiness is a condition that must be prepared for, cultivated, and defended privately by each person.
  • How I am to others is how others will be to me.
  • Genuinely happy individuals are few and far between.
  • Do good and don’t talk about it.
  • Anger needs to be slowly and gently handled in solo.
  • No matter what age we are or our circumstances…find a need and fill it.
  • The worst thing I could do in life is to do nothing.
  • Birds don’t sing in caves.

Roberta Macdonald
Written on 5/8/17